we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
All I want is dick and wine.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
