You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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