At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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