Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"