Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
