so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
