I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
