Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
