I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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