so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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