I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
