you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
