I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
