she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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