How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
