I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
