Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
