I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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