I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
