if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
