i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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