i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
