You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
