can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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