You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
