I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
