i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
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What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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