I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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