you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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