true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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