I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
