apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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