I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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