had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
