I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
