I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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