We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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