Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
