if you like me you must not know who I am
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
