I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
