In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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