ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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