The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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