How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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