Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
