What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
