So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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