She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
