I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
