How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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