I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just made my gag reflex go away.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
