He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
