the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
