how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
